Random joke thread

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daib0
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Re: Random joke thread

Post by daib0 » Thu Dec 01, 2016 9:17 pm

A Nigerian Prince has died & left his millions to a cat

He tried to give away his fortune for years ... but, can you believe, no one ever responded to his e-mails

daib0
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Re: Random joke thread

Post by daib0 » Thu Feb 02, 2017 12:57 pm

A Chinese family of 5, named Chu, Bu, Hu, Tu and Fu decided to immigrate to the United States.

In order to get a visa in today's world, they have to Americanise their names.

Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck, Hu became Huck, Tu became Tuck and Fu finally decided to stay in China...

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Re: Random joke thread

Post by daib0 » Mon Feb 20, 2017 4:49 pm

A man sees a lady with nice big breasts.

He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for £10,000?"

She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner, she opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes.

Eventually the lady asks, "Well, aren't you going to bite them?"

He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

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Rover the Top
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Re: Random joke thread

Post by Rover the Top » Mon Feb 27, 2017 10:17 am

Warren Beatty's so vain, he probably thinks the Oscars mix up is about him...

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Re: Random joke thread

Post by daib0 » Sun Mar 26, 2017 9:26 am

Devastated
A very sad day today. After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet...

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Re: Random joke thread

Post by daib0 » Wed Apr 26, 2017 8:19 pm

Fred the Texas farmer was in court with a claim against a lorry driver who crashed into him:

Lorry drivers attorney - "Fred at the scene you told the Highway Patrol Officer you were and I quote "fine" and now you are here claiming for injuries totalling $100,000. Did you tell the Officer you were fine.

Farmer Fred - Well I was taking Daisy my favourite donkey.....

Attorney - "I'm sorry, you said you were fine is that not correct?"

Farmer Fred - Well I had just got Daisy loaded onto my truck and.....

Attorney - "Just answer with a yes or no please! Did you say you were fine?"

Farmer Fred - "Well I set off with Daisy to her favourite field ....

Attorney -"Your Honour, can you please instruct the witness to answer with a simple yes or no answer!"

Judge - I'd like to hear the farmers side if you don't mind, carry on therefore farmer Fred.

Farmer Fred - "Thank you your honour. Well as I got to the junction with the highway I stopped at the traffic lights and all of a sudden I was rear ended by a large lorry driven by that man. My truck was shoved over the highway and I was thrown into a ditch and poor Daisy was thrown into another one. "
Judge - "Go on."

Farmer Fred - "I was really sore and couldn't get up, I could hear Daisy making terrible noises and I just knew she was in a really bad way. I tried to get up but I was too sore."

Attorney - "Your honour please!"

Judge - "No carry on farmer Fred"

Farmer Fred - "Poor Daisy was making such a din and I couldn't get over to help her and then this Highway Patrol Officer pulled up and walked over to Daisy I saw the gleeful look of horror on his face ... and then ... (sob, sob) ... he pulled out his revolver and shot poor Daisy.

Judge - "my my, that was a terrible thing he had to do"

Farmer fred - "Yes it was, but then would you believe, he came over to me and asked, hey old fella, are you ok?" Well what would you have said?"

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Re: Random joke thread

Post by daib0 » Thu Apr 27, 2017 1:31 pm

Spoke to an old classmate of mine from years ago t'other day, I asked what he was doing now, he replied
"I'm working on a project involving aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment"
I was really impressed!
However, upon further enquiry I learned that he was ... washing the dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision!


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My boss said to me, “You're the worst train driver I have ever known. How many have you derailed this year?”

I said, “I'm not sure, it's hard to keep track.”

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