Random joke thread

[daib0]

I was asked to provide a new password the other day, I tried Mydick but was told that it was too short.

You seem to have posted this in the joke section by mistake...

[daib0]

- Hey, would you invite me over for a drink or something?

- I'd love to, but I simply do not date married women.

- But I'm your wife, stupid idiot!

- Sorry, but I do not make exceptions…

[Dan]

Best of the Edinburgh Fringe:

"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day." - Adam Rowe

"I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse
"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel
"In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt
"What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan
"I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh
"Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse
"I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff
"Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman
"I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx

[Gibbon]

[daib0]

I've been told that my grammar is very poor but I don't believe them. Only last week she gave me £20

[Gibbon]

[daib0]

I'm organising a party for people who can't reach an orgasm, so if you can't come let me know ...

[daib0]

Just rang the drug addiction centre and the recorded message said


" if you have a problem with cannabis press hash ... If your issue is with cocaine, stay on the line "

[daib0]

get your own back...


Walking home this morning and a British gas engineer was sat in his van. He wound down his window and said "what's the time mate?"

I replied, "between 8 and 1"

[OhhEnnEmm]

What do you call a dog with two arseholes?

n-Dubz.

This was so relevant in it's time. I'm so glad it no longer is though, I've finally been allowed to forget their existence